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Monday, 7 May 2012

I'm  a sucker for those old romance comics. It's not because I'm an old softy, it's because I'm jaded, sardonic, and cynical.  These things crack me up for all the wrong reasons.  The moral lessons laid out in these comic books seem almost like they're from another planet.  But, believe it or not, they were gobbled up by young girls and easily stacked up against the superhero, horror and action comics of the day.

I'd like to look at one in particular today, but I can assure there'll be many more to come.  This one is a story called "They Said I Was Fast" in Campus Loves #2 (1950).  You can tell immediately where the story is headed from the initial panel, but I'll bet you can't guess where it winds up.

Obviously, we've got a problem here.  Tess is wanting to go to college for all the wrong reasons.  Instead of learning a respectable profession like secretarial work or nursing, she wants to just get drunk and screw.  At least she's honest about it.

It doesn't take long before Tess is on the prowl.  And from the looks of things, she's in heat. It's quite alright for guys to be on the make, but a chick? That's just wrong. (Note: tongue is planted firmly in cheek)  This young man doesn't know what he's in for...

As it turns out, his name is Elmer and he's straight off a farm.  Subsequently, he's ill equipped to handle the likes of Tess.... give him a sheep or Bershire Swine and he's a regular Casanova, but with experienced ladies like Tess, he's out of his league.

Well, Tess' horny shenanigans don't stop with Elmer.  Soon, she's making a play for every "gorgeous hunk of corn fed man" she can round up.  Perhaps, things are getting out of hand when it starts to penetrate (pun intended) the classroom.  Her instructor is only too quick to nip this in the bud.

Things reach a climax (pun intended) when Tess is trying to study math with a fellow student and he can't keep his filthy paws off her.  Has it come to this? Her reputation has literally made it impossible to be around men without them expecting some trim.

But reputation is not at the top of Tess' concerns.  The fact that she's considered the campus whore is not registering on her radar.... but her instructor is.  Tess has erotic fantasies about this straight laced math professor, and she just can't shake it.  Maybe it's because he's the only man on campus that she can't have.

As you might expect, Tess' reputation as Queen Slut has infected the entire student body. She's become a regular Sandra Fluke (tongue still in cheek - don't get mad).  I mean, Helen Slade was saying Bill Ford told her that she liked to be hog tied and spanked.

Even Tom doesn't mind if his chum has sloppy seconds..... or in Tess' case, sloppy one-hundred and forty-sixths.  I kid.

Whatever will Tess do? Her reputation is ruined beyond repair.  Should she go home to daddy and ask to transfer to another school where she can start a new leaf?  Or should she face the consequences and prove by example that she's not like that anymore?.What will it be?

As luck would have it, the math professor had been secretly in love with Tess all along! In the end, they get married and Tess lives happily ever after.

You see kids, if you slut around enough, something good is bound to happen.  The End.


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